I think i peed on brittanys purse
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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