hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
ugly people sure do ruin things
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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