How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
