So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
