The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize