I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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