Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
