If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Randomize
