Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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