Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
