You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
no more duck duck goose at the bar
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
