I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
