You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
