just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
