so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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