So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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