Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
