You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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