i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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