I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I need to stop coming to work sober
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
