never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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