I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
