i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Just pee around me
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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