I think I won the penis lottery.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
