apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
