I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
