So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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