my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
