Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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