Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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