don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
