I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
