my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize