I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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