someone threw a dead crab at me
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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