he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
