i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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