I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
false alarm, still single
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
