I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
