for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize