I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
