Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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