I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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