he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
