I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
