the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
