doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
