Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
