I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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