you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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