Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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