I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
