i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
lol hangovers are for mortals.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
