Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
