I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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