i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Ladies don't puke and tell
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
