I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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